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Thursday, January 5th, 2006
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11:12 pm
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today is the day that i came home smelling like smoke.
and i wore alston's hoodie. but i thought it was m's.
and i shifted gears but didn't drive because my left foot is out of comission. kind of.
this was the day that i remembered what it is like to be an artist.
and i was almost free.
actually. i wasn't free. i was just on a really long string.
and it wasn't whose fault you think it was.
current mood:  refreshed
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, December 17th, 2005
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4:52 pm - stop apologizing
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[i don't want a man. i want a boy.]
[i am so sick of no one else understanding. i am so tired of wondering if there are people who understand. real people. i'm done lying to myself. it's true that i want more than a friend. is that so wrong? i hate that i look at him and wonder what he's thinking but he never looks at me to wonder what i'm thinking. i think that i may be coming to realize that i don't want to know what he's thinking. because he never wonders. he knows. he is critical and sure and ... still an artist somehow. and that frustrates me more than anything else. why do i still feel alone? why do i feel like i am the only one up here that wonders? probably because when he catches me watching him (trying to read his mind because he rarely tells me) he demands that i stop smirking at him. i can't decided whether to groan or sigh. game's over. no more hide and seek. please come find me.]
current mood:  drained
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 10th, 2005
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5:03 pm
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| Saturday, November 5th, 2005
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5:52 pm - rugger
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WE WON SEMI-FINALS PLAYOFFS!! WOOHOO!! GOING TO THE FINALS! except that i can't play because i sprained my ankle damn well in the third tackle of the second half. whatever. it was a kickass game. but then again... isn't it always?
current mood:  in pain
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
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10:12 am - boethius
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"your own nature doesn't make you beautiful. it is due to the weak eyesight of the people who see you."
i think i am in danger. i may have accidentally forgotten who i once was.
"it seems as if you feel a lack of any blessing of your own inside you, which is driving you to see your blessings in things seperate and external."
current mood:  lost
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, October 7th, 2005
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5:52 pm - volunteer state
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i once knew a girl in the years of my youth with eyes like the summer all beauty and truth but in the morning i fled left a note and it read: “someday you will be loved.” i cannot pretend that i felt any regret cause each broken heart will eventually mend. and as the blood runs red down the needle and thread, someday you will be loved. you'll be loved you'll be loved like you never have known. and the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams. just a series of blurbs like i never occurred. someday you will be loved. you may feel alone when you’re falling asleep. every time tears roll down your cheek but i know your heart belongs to someone you’ve yet to meet. someday you will be loved. you'll be loved you'll be loved like you never have known. and the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams just a series of blurbs like i never occurred. someday you will be loved. you'll be love you'll be loved like you never have known and the memories of me will seem more like bad dreams just a series of blurbs like i never occurred. someday. you will be loved. someday you will be loved.
current mood:  distressed
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
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1:51 pm
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another day is going by im thinking about you all the time but you're out there and i'm here waiting and i wrote this letter in my head cause so many things were left unsaid but now you're gone and i can't think straight this could be the one last chance to make you understand i'd do anything just to hold you in my arms to try to make you laugh cuz somehow i can't put you in the past i'd do anything just tofall asleep with you will you remember me cause i know i won't forget you together we broke all the rules dreaming of dropping out of school to leave this place and never come back so now maybe after all these years if you miss me have tno wfear i'll be here i'll be waiting this could be the one last chance to make you understand and i just can't let you beat me once again i'd do anything just to hold you in my arms to try to make you laugh cuz somehow i can't put you in the past i'd do anything just tofall asleep with you will you remember me cause i know i won't forget you i close my eyes and all i see is you i close my eyes i try to sleep i can't forget you and i'd do anything for you i'd do anything just to hold you in my arms to fall asleep with you with you i'd do anything to fall asleep with you there's nothing i wouldn't do i'd do anything cause i know i won't forget you.
current mood:  confused
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| Monday, August 15th, 2005
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7:15 pm - gosh that new kid is cute.
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so.... i've come to find out that some things are better left unsaid.
which is almost ironic because i had sort of lacksidaisically planned to have the first words on my typewritter be:
i don't always say everything i think... but maybe i should.
perhaps it's not that they are better left unsaid, it's just that there is a better way of saying them. so this new cute guy i work with. alex. he's cute. there's no doubt about it in anyone's mind (probably including his own). and he's a flirt. which is awesome. i love it. i look forward to seeing him at work. actually, he is the ONLY reason that i want to go to work tomorrow. and he's only working 3-6. so for me to put in 9 hours so that i can see him for approximately 3 is saying something. i don't think that every girl in the city would think that he was gorgeous or even hot but i think that his being a flirt makes him irresistibly attractive.
unfortunately, all the other girls at parker agree.
now i have always prided myself on being different. which is a good thing. i am proud of myself for being outgoing, even if no one else appreciates it. i know laurs appreciates it because she doesn't have it. i dont know why i have no problem talking to complete strangers, but i don't.
for example, mom asked me to run into starbucks the other day to get her a tea. shaken. black. not sweet. i had alot to remember. tell me to get a youth. small. long sleeve. navy. monogramed. usj. polo. and i'd be fine. but drink orders are a whole new breed. so i was repeating over and over in my head what she wanted and i am bee-lining to the door and this really hot blonde blue-eye blue shirted guy held the door open for me. but he did so in an exaggerated way. he opened and held the door open for me about four minutes before i got there. there was no one else around. he was really polite. and i brushed past him and mumbled a 'thanks' between recitations of the order. i didn't even notice how cute he was until i was through with my order. he had walked in and sat down to read. he didn't get in line or anything. so while they were making my drink, i went and sat down next to him with the cool pick up line of "what are you reading?" gosh he was cute. didn't get the name but i apologized for not being more grateful and repeated a short summary of the above story, thanking him more sincerely. we talked for a few minutes and then i got my mom's tea and left.
so that's the kind of person i am. not the kind of girl i am. the kind of person i am. so this new kid alex shows up and i can already tell one of the girls i work with has a thing for him. whatever though. she's staying. he's staying. he'll be a senior at ecs. i don't care. but then he turns out to be a confidant flirt. i think his confidence was the most impressive. maybe that's why i said what i did. he would brush past me or not move out of the way so i would have to squeeze between him and the wall or make eye contact with me just long enough for me to practically trip over something because i'd gotten so lost in his beautiful blue eyes. but i also don't want to leave parker on bad terms with any of my co-workers. especially kirby because i like her a lot.
but i found myself doing chores i hate so i could catch a glimpse of him in the aisles. like put-aways. is there a worse thing at parker? buckets full of clothes that have been tried on and/or rejected by some fourth grader and then (for the most part) wadded up and thrown over our shoulders. but i grabbed every pair of pants in those buckets because alex and paul were downstocking pants. kind of. they weren't even downstocking generic pants. they were down stocking flat front pants. which are totally isolated from the other pants. so i had to just hope that some usj customers had guessed all the wrong sizes so i could see alex. how crazy stupid is that?
so after awhile i realized that i needed to tell him that he was cute. or that i thought he was cute. and so did everyone else. but the everyone else part was only to be a last resort if he looked at me like i was totally nuts. so i did. i found him in an aisle and i did that thing i do when i'm trying to be brave... i avoided thinking. that's probably where i go wrong. i had planned on telling him that he was cute. that's about as much as i thought it out. so i said to him... "you kow what alex, you're cute." see. not so bad. but that's because you are reading it on a screen. had you been there, you would have realized what an idiot i really am. i've thought about this probably too much, so i've almost perfected in my mind how it SHOULD have happened. he should have been facing one aisle and i should have been facing the other and i should have thrown it out there like it was nothing. like "you know alex, that oxford doesn't go there..." in that manner. but no. i overdid it. i backed him, and myself, into the walls and i told him point blank 18 inches from his face. and after i got it out it was kinda like... where was i going with that? was that a question? 'hey alex, were you aware that you are attractive or am i the first person to bring this to stunning detail to your attention?' i must have had something like that thought because i let go of him, turned to busy myself with anouther shirt, and asked him if any of the other girls had told him that. all i really remember from that overly embarassing moment was that i flushed. i think. i think that i... i mean i blushed. i think i turned obliviously bright red. something less than sexy on a red head, i might add.
we small talked for a few seconds but i didn't dare look at him again. i rushed, probably a little too eagerly, out of the aisle to go to the register, the exact place i had avoided all afternoon since he got there. the one place i assumed i was safe from him, a stockroom boy. he was soon busy with the other girls so i started thinking about how dumb i was and how i was going to title this entry (a semi-foreignized thought as of late). i had the first line down though. actually that whole first paragraph was on a floppy disk in my brain somewhere. i could probably recite it i've rewritten it so many times.
i guess that i had that thought of some things are better left unsaid because i figured that after our excessively embarassing encounter moments before, that things between me and alex were pretty much ruined. "it's ok though breeze," i talked myself down while averting any further meetings with him in the stockroom, "you're leaving in a few days and you'll probably never see him again except for maybe at christmas and now you know better."i had merely overestimated his reciprocated outgoing personality and made a simple, but irrevocable mistake. irrevocable being the key word. or at least the only word i was focusing on at the time.
the weird thing was that i never, until now, thought about why i would have done such a thing in the first place. really though, i didn't learn any better. that was a coin toss. i didn't know him very well at all. and even if i had, it still would have been a coin toss. exactly 50 50 straight down the middle. either he would have adored that i had the bold courage (laurs don't even think about accusing me of speaking redundantly.... woody forest...) to have said something or he would have thought i was a total freak slut. i guess i was just hoping that the latter would reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally not be the outcome.
which brings me to my next point. why i didn't learn my lesson. also the best part of this unduly lengthy account of my life that i know all of you enjoy because you keep complaining that i haven't updated my lj in months.
alex didn't act any differently. he's still a flirt (thank god). and he doesn't really care that i was a moron. he flirts with all the other girls, which is probably why i would work 9 hours to see him for 3, which makes me oddly jealous of sorts. but he's still alex.
i just can't help thinking what would have happened if he had been here all summer.
(poor jeremy.)
current mood:  crazy
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, August 8th, 2005
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8:30 pm
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| Thursday, July 28th, 2005
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11:23 am
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| Saturday, June 11th, 2005
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9:57 pm
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i just killed a whole big tree.
but it's worth it.
i should seriously start a handbook laurs. well, we should.
boys boys boys.
current mood:  what i'm supposed to say
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(23 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 9th, 2005
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10:59 am
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last night may have been the single greatest drive-in experience of my entire life. i have the bugbites to prove it.
current mood: itchy
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
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10:59 am - "put it on me cuz i am sooooooooo hot!!!"
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the sun never really woke up today. that's not to say that i'm not wearing both a baseball cap and sunglasses. and it's not really gloomy either. there are hazy clouds over there. but the day started too early today. (an hour too early to be exact.) we got in the car and held the air in our free hands. and even now it clings to my skin, but not in an annoying way.
mom: did you eat breakfast?
me: yea
mom: what did you eat?
me: .....milk duds
mom: ERIKA RENEE!!! (a lecture ensues. it includes my lack of self-discipline, how i'll never survive in college, and the reason i get migraines)
lauren to me a few minutes later in the car: want a twizzler?
me: nah
laurs: m&ms?
me: no
laurs: tater tots? cuz we sure do have a lot of free tater tots.
me: i--
laurs: BOY IN A YELLOW SHIRT AND RED TRUCK!!!
i WILL die of a broken heart on june 22.
when i like a song, especially one that i know the words to, i used to like to turn the radio up really loud. the only problem with this is that i can't hear myself singing so it doesn't feel like i'm that much a part of the song. my lack of ability to sing has never defered my desire to do so.
i don't know who started it, if it was me or laurs, but instead of turning the song up, we started singing louder. i love it. i love screaming the words. we're not talking heavy-metal-hoarse-the-next-day-yelling. not that i'm even capable of that, being a girl and all. anyway, i'm really glad that i can sing/talk with lauren. so far she hasn't even gotten mad at me for singing the wrong words.
p.s. bob the builder is way underrated.
current mood:  crushed
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 5th, 2005
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1:59 pm
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i had a really awesome day yesterday. i'm glad that it was my birthday. it was a good birthday.
but i just don't feel any older.
current mood:  exanimate
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 4th, 2005
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12:12 pm
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| Thursday, June 2nd, 2005
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12:36 am
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sigh.
there are way too many thoughts bouncing around in my head for 12:34am.
wish now too.
current mood:  mmmmm
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
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8:53 am - you can't think too much or the plane will fall from the sky.
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i have never wanted to be anything they expected.
sometimes i can't decide if i like these moments when i just want to cry or not. i can't help feeling so alone right now. i don't even want to count the letters of searts and calculate how many people are on this plane, but it can't be less than a hundred. maybe the ya yas are really getting to me. there's that strong, almost painfulburning in my chest. it's welling up inside of me so fast and so hard... and then so repressed.
good book. she brought me ice cream and fruit and chocolat and la glace tasted soft. i thought for a long time about the word i was going to use to describe it. i tried to pinpoint the flavors but could not. it was just soft. not the texture. it just tasted soft.
and no backs of paper either.
why were they so rude? ist scares me to dwell on the thought too long but i will risk the terror. and the burning.
there is no way out. i'm not supposed to pull up my window shade. it would proobably mkake my chest burn though, so it's ok. i haven't shreiked in a long time. not hysterically. not out of pure terror. not like i wish i could right now.
maybe i'll sneak a peek.
all i can see is clouds thousands of feet below me and specks of white on a rippled blue sea that i know are huge waves but even those are miles under the clouds. maybe that's the thought that scares me. or maybe it is those huge sheets of metal that are keeping us afloat in an invisible medium. you can't think too much or the plance will fall from the sky.
it quivers with certainty and i shake with doubt. the pilot. the logic. don't think too much, lest you fall from the sky, erika renee. that's what he called me this morning as i turned my back to him and stepped off the continent. before i saw clouds that resembeled wors of cotton more than condensed water molecules. maybe thinking of clouds and distance and the discovery of the world being round and modernity's progression and false attributions and knowledge of purpose but not perception of purpose. or was it perception of purpose but not neccessarily knowledge of content of purpose. maybe these thoughts are keeping me from burning alive.
or mabye those last two words have brought me back to the thought completely. full circle. and i watched him pull away from me. i saw him edge further and further from my hand and i felt you read these my words and i sensed the tension in the furrows of your brow as you tried to make sense of it all. no reason. it will cause the plane to fall. and relax those creases. these words are never meant for you. but oh if you could only see them in my own hand. you would then sigh at the beauty of the curve of the letter and the slant of the line and then. then not understanding would be enough. je ne sais pas. je suis desolee. he didn't mean to touch my fingers that gently. he was just searching for something to hold on to so that he would ntot fall again. i should have held my hand out to him. we may have kept each other standing for awhile. then, peut-etre, i would know.
i have lost my sense of intention. turn the page. perhaps that was the point. 480º. pull the shade and turn out the light. he almost sleeps. sheer is not enough. i won't remember the intrustion of the city of lights forever. the lazy rotation of the ceiling fan's shadows will become as elusive as they are almost intangelible. what was real and what was mere elaborate fabrication?
they won't let me into first class. i read the whole book in x hours. and she cannot. roped off! imagine! as if "economy" were steerage! the seat is in my name! proposterous! i shout the words on ly on paper. his very steady breathing is intensely calming. the rise and fall of his chest is silent. perhaps not silent but just muted but the steel of improbability. i almost called him dad earlier when he smiled with his german eyes. he might have smiled with his lips too but those were hidden by the silver of his moustahche. his eyes. such an ironic contrast to the leather rough skin of his visage. yet his head dropppos and catches the same as emily's. life defined, it should be more difficult i think. but that would make complications at hospitals and stuff.
ok. i think i'm done.
no cryptologist.
current mood:  my body is doing weird things
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, May 9th, 2005
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6:54 pm
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what if you had to say goodbye to the one thing that made you feel safe and young and comforted?
lauren, we need to find a way to sneak him to ohio without mom knowing...
current mood: crushed
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, May 6th, 2005
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11:59 pm - 9:28
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| Thursday, May 5th, 2005
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11:11 pm - and you are never more inside of you than you are right now.
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have you ever just cried? you walked outside and you were blind but it didn't matter because you knew exactly where to step. and you sat down and the bench swayed it did not rock because you were careless. and they didn't understand. you did something that you've never done before and they didn't understand so they asked the wrong questions and accused you of wanting something simpler. and then you looked at the stars and you put your hands in your pockets and you wished to god that there was no such thing as an airplane. you wished that you could never confuse a shooting star for anything other than what it was. and you cried. and you didn't know why. and maybe that made you cry harder. that made you sob outloud. you ran through your mind and you frantically searched for a reason for crying. was it because you remembered last year? because you wish that the two of you were still lying in the grass and he was singing to you in hawaiian and making letters with the planets? no. was it not nostalgia but rather anxiety? were you scared of that future? the one that looks so secure and sounds so promising but still scares you to death? and then you are aware that it's night time and there are a lot of things making noises in the dark and you can't see any of them and suddenly terror seizes you. there are monsters under the bed and your arm hairs stand on end. and then, before you realize that you're growing up, the thought crosses your mind that there is a real threat. that a bad guy could leap the fence right next to you at any moment and kill you or rape you or break into your house that you feel safe in. and you curse the age that you were born into. and then you cry again. and you are never more inside of you than you are right now. you can only see the silhouettes of the leaves on the trees that block the stars. and then a tear burns your face. and it is so warm and comforting that you actually want to cry. it feels good to cry. but not in the way where you are expressing sadness, or anger, or even joy. it's different this time. and then the porch light comes on and you think it was almost perfect. but this is only the addition to perfection. even if you don't know it. and she interrupts. and he calls to tell you he loves you. and you know that if he was there he would wipe the tears away so gently and brush the hair out of your face to sweetly and he would kiss you to tell you he loved you. but you also know that if he was there he would want an explanation. it wouldn't be good enough to tell him that you didn't know why. he would care more than the woman who believed that you were just tired. maybe that's what she wanted to believe. and you don't answer. and you don't know why. he doesn't have to tell you what you know is true. and so the hair stays matted and pressed to your face that is wet and salty from the sobs unknown. and you hold still so long that you cannot remember how to move. and you become a part of it all. you are the world. the earth. you are existing but not living. you feel but you do not think. you are lost because you have connected somehow to something completely abstract but not necessarily intangible. and this could only have happened in this moment. even if you had wanted it before. even when you had tried before. only now. now when it is perfect. and you forget to breathe. and so you are silent. and you are dying. and no one seems to notice. and suddenly that's ok. and the birds don't know to be scared of you anymore. because you are still and silent and not human but merely existence. so they fly slower and land closer to you than they ever would have before or ever will after. and the bugs don't buzz anymore, they hum. and an angel sings you a lullaby that you won't fall asleep to. and then the light is on. because someone forgot to turn it off. and you begin to come back. you think. and you think " it is bad to be invisible but it is worse to be seen" and you are aware of wet on your face and you don't know if it's snot or tears and maybe its both. and there's no mom there holding a kleenex. and you long for another warm tear. and it comes as you blink and it runs over your nose and across your cheek and down to the opposite ear. and as much as you don't want to leave, you are too much alive to stay anymore. so you stand up and you see the bird's nest and the wheelbarrow that is turned upside down and the flowers that are wilting even though they just bloomed. and you don't ask "why" to the person that doesn't know. and they see you. and they wonder how you cried sideways. they will never understand. you are alone forever. so you lie down and you wrote this all out and you thought that you would forget some parts and maybe you did but it's beginning to scare you how little you care. explanations are worthless.
and i know that that happened to you,
but i won't ever let it happen to me
- no beautiful person.
current mood: numb
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